Our baby girl was born on June 2, 2016 at 5:11pm. She weighed 6lbs 3oz and was 18.75in long. This beautiful little girl has totally changed our lives - God has answered our prayers and made us a family!!!
My desire for this post is that I would be able to effectively share how God incredibly, miraculously, wonderfully, beautifully, answered our prayers! I want to be as open and honest as I can about the process and our journey - the beautiful, happy, good parts; as well as the bad, ugly, unexpected parts. The thought that probably best describes my jumbled thoughts is frequently posted on the Faithful Adoption Consultants facebook page... "Adoption is hard. Adoption is messy. Adoption is worth it."As I reflect on the past few months, that statement is profoundly true.
In May, the day after my 30th birthday, Jarred and I were thrown an incredible baby shower! We were blown away by the love and gifts we were given. To say we are blessed with great families and an amazing church is the understatement of the century! Selah was spoiled before she even arrived :-) After we got all the baby loot home, we put the finishing touches on the nursery and packed the remaining items for our trip to Kansas! We kept in close contact with the adoption agency as we awaited the call saying our birth mom was in labor. As the end of school approached, Jarred and I started praying about when we should leave. We knew our birth mom wanted to meet us face to face before delivery if possible, but we didn't want to get out there too early. Donations kept trickling in, and the day before we left, Jarred's parents, made the final donation allowing us to meet our fundraising goal. How CRAZY is it that God provided $45,000 in less than 6 months?!?!?! Yes, we received two small (in comparison to the amount needed) grants and a loan, but the majority of the hat money was donated - I wish I could put into words how humbled and grateful we are. God used so many people to bless us and move a financial mountain that seemed impossible. HE IS FAITHFUL and He funds what He favors. Thank you to every person who allowed God to use them - you're all a part of Selah and our story - which is pretty awesome!!!
After much prayer and many conversations, we decided to head to Kansas to meet our birth mom and await the birth of our baby on June 1st, and God worked it out for my mom to able to go with us as well (we were so thankful to have her with us). My dad and his wife graciously allowed us to drive their car, so we packed it to the ceiling and hit the road! We decided to drive straight through, and it took us about 15 hours. Again, God and his goodness allowed our birth mom to be located in the same city as our friends, Blaine & Amanda. This was such a blessing to us, and I will always cherish our time with them while we were in Kansas. We were nervous and a little anxious, and they loved us so BIG and so WELL while we were there. We met Amanda and her sweet kiddos as soon as we got to town for supper, and they had a care package in hand waiting for us. After dinner, we went to get settled into our rental house - that was an adventure in itself! God knew what we'd need before we did... I am so thankful that my mom was with us and that Amanda's care package included the things we'd need to get the house clean enough to stay in that first night. I'll just say, it was in no condition to stay in (much less bring a baby home to)! My sweet mama spent that night on her hands and knees cleaning and preparing for her new grandbaby after we'd already spent 15 hours in the car. Whew! That's just one day hahaha!
The next morning, Jarred and I had an appointment at the agency to meet with one of the consultants and hopefully meet our birth mom! My heart was a jumbled mess of emotions. I had tried to prepare myself for the meeting, but I realized on the car ride to the agency's office that morning that there's really no way you can prepare yourself. Jarred and I had been praying for our birth mom since before we matched - specifically that we would have an opportunity to share Christ with her. Now here we were on the way to meet her in person for the first time. We held hands on the way there, but didn't say a word. When we arrived, we were ushered into a room set up like a living room to meet with the consultant who'd worked closest with our birth mom, Rosana. She was very friendly and did her best to make us feel comfortable. We found out that our birth mom had adjusted her birth plan, and that the baby would be staying in the hospital room with our birth mom for the first 24 hours. We knew this was a possibility, but were hoping we would be able to have our own room and "share" the baby during those first hours. However, we also wanted to respect our birth mom's wishes and allow her the time she needed. We also learned that our birth mom would be seeing a doctor that morning, and they'd be scraping her membranes. I had no clue what all that meant, but thank goodness for google (if you're a guy reading this, you probably don't want to know lol). The plan was for us to meet our birth mom after talking to the consultant. However, while we were waiting, Rosana received a phone call from our birth mom - she was being admitted to the hospital because of preeclampsia and would be induced that afternoon!!! Rosana told us we could come to the hospital as soon as they got checked in and settled in a room, so we quickly tried to finish making last minute preparations at the house, and headed to the hospital. This was it - we were about to meet our birth mom, and we'd be parents by the end of the day! I was sooooo nervous and excited!!!!
We got to the hospital around 2:30pm and met one of the other adoption consultants, Lacy in the lobby. She told us to hang out there because she and the hospital social worker needed to talk to our birth mom. We waited for what seemed like an eternity (but was actually only about 30 minutes), and my mind started to assume the worst. I was afraid that the birth plan modification and this meeting were indications that the adoption was in jepordy. I prayed and asked the Lord to give me the strength and peace about whatever was about to happen, but I'm not going to lie - I was afraid. I knew I'd be ok regardless, but was bracing for heartbreak. Finally, Lacy appeared and told us we could go up to the room! My heart was pounding, and I was shaking like a leaf! Mom waited in the labor and delivery waiting room upstairs while Lacy, Jarred, and I went to meet our birth mom. When we walked into the room, two things caught my attention immediately.
#1 - Our birth mom was absolutely beautiful and had a big smile on her face!
#2 - I could see and hear our sweet little girl's heartbeat for the first time. My heart went up into my throat!
We spent about 20 minutes talking to our birth mom, her partner, and Lacy in the labor and delivery room. They showed us pictures of their other children, and we showed them pictures of Selah's room and full closet! They were amazed at all the clothes and said it looked like a department store (I told you she was spoiled before she was even born)! We were back in the waiting room with mom by about 3:30pm. Lacy went back and got us updates a couple of times, and labor was progressing quickly! Lacy had to leave, but told us Rosana was coming and would be there in about an hour. That was the longest hour in history - lol! When Rosana got there around 5pm, she went back to get another update - the nurses were getting the delivery cart ready and kicked Rosana out! We knew that meant it was getting close :-) About that time, our birth mom's partner dashed off the elevator with fast food bags flying, saw Rosana, grabbed her arm, and they both took off running through the double doors down the hall - we were so excited we could hardly stand it!!! About 15 minutes later, both of them came back out to the waiting room and told us our little girl was here. Rosana had pictures and our birth mom's partner had a video of the nurses checking out the baby. We all huddled around their phones and watched with tears in our eyes. She was perfect - absolutely perfect! It felt like a dream.
A little while later, Rosana took Jarred and me back to the labor and delivery room to meet Selah. As soon as the door opened, I saw her. She was lying underneath a heat lamp squirming while a nurse checked her temperature. She was even more beautiful than the pictures. I still couldn't believe she was ours. Jarred got up the nerve to touch her little foot, but all I could do was stand there and gaze at her. I looked over at our birth mom, and instantly recognized a different atmosphere than before. She was distant, and her face was tight. I'd imagined this moment a million times, but this didn't feel exactly like what I'd imagined. Please don't misunderstand, it was one of the most joyful moments of my life!!! One look at Selah, and my heart swelled with love and joy like never before, but one look at our brave birth mom, and I had this ache start forming in my heart. In that moment, as excited as I was to finally be a mommy, my heart broke - that I wasn't prepared for. I think Rosana sensed my conflicting emotions, so she mentioned that my mom was in the lobby and asked if she could come back. Our birth mom agreed, and I am so thankful that my mom had the opportunity to meet Selah and her birth mom. At our birth mom's request, her partner was the first one to feed Selah, but I am glad we were able to be there and watch. We only stayed back there about 10 minutes and then were ushered back to the waiting room. Rosana had to leave, but we stayed hoping to get to go back one more time that night to visit - we hadn't been able to hold her yet (and I hadn't even got up the nerve to touch her).
A couple of hours passed, and when the double doors opened, it was our birth mom being moved upstairs to a regular room. She was in a wheelchair and holding Selah. We made eye contact, and the pain on her face was so intense, I didn't know what to say. Her partner broke the silence, and handed me a card with Selah's footprints. I thanked her, and watched as they got on the elevator to go upstairs. We followed them up in the next elevator and camped out in the waiting room for another hour or so before I finally broke down and texted Rosana to ask what we should do. Again, my conflicting emotions were overwhelming. Part of me felt like, "my baby is here, so I'm gonna be here too", but the other part of me thought, "respect our birth mom's wishes for time with Selah and rest while you can". Rosana said to go home and told us she would be in touch the next day to let us know when everyone would be discharged. As I realized I'd have to go home without her that night, the emotions of the day finally hit me, and I cried the whole way to the car. My heart and arms ached to hold my daughter. I am so thankful that during this day I was given encouragement by people who spoke truth to me. My husband, family, church, and my sweet sister reminded me:
Selah is a gift from God, and she belongs to him; not me.
God is orchestrating every part of this adoption - It's His story; not mine.
I may not be holding my baby, but God is holding her.
That night was hard, but God wrapped His arms around me and Jarred, and He comforted us in a way we had never experienced. I won't say I slept well, but I did sleep.
The next morning I was up early waiting to find out when we could go to the hospital. Around 11am my phone rang, and I was glad to hear Rosana's voice. She said she had good news and bad news. I decided I should probably sit down - lol. She told me that #1 - our birth mom had signed the relinquishment! #2 - our birth mom had requested one more night in the hospital with the baby. I tried to let it all of what she said sink in. The good news meant she was ours - she was going home with us - I could let the guard down around my heart - I could breathe. But the bad news meant: I made it though that first night counting down the hours till 24 was over, and now I had to survive another night! Again, being honest and real here... my initial reaction was to be upset. I wanted to bring my baby home NOW - I didn't want to wait! Again, I am so thankful for truth being spoken into me during this time. My sweet husband, sister, family, and church encouraged me. I prayed and the Lord reminded me... There is a woman sitting in a hospital room looking at a beautiful baby girl she deeply loves, and she is grieving because she just made the decision to walk out of the hospital tomorrow without that baby. Talk about a reality check! As many emotions as I was experiencing, I cannot begin to imagine the emotions filling the hospital room that night. Yes, I wanted that time with Selah, but I will have a lifetime to show Selah how loved she is. God had been so faithful throughout the entire process, and now He had answered our prayer for the relinquishment to be signed quickly. He gave us peace that night knowing we'd be bringing our baby girl home - joy was coming in the morning!
Let me interject briefly... I am so thankful for my husband! He was absolutely incredible throughout this whole process, especially during the time we were in Kansas. My love, admiration, and respect for him has grown immeasurably during this journey. I've never seen a man desire to be a father more than Jarred, and I know he experienced the whirlwind of emotions just like me, but he was like Superman! He clung to Christ and His Word - especially when things got rough - and encouraged me to do the same. I am so thankful for his courage, faith, and leadership during this journey. Selah and I are very blessed to have him.
The next day was pretty intense... my phone rang at about 9am with a Kansas phone number I didn't recognize. I answered, and to my surprise, it was our birth mom's partner. I was surprised because sharing personal phone numbers was not recommended since we were doing a semi-open adoption (with all communication being filtered through the agency). She told us that they were being discharged at 10am and sent me a couple of pictures of the baby. I put the surprise phone call on my list of things to ask the agency about, then we got ready and headed to the hospital. As we were parking, Rosana called and told us they had changed the discharge time to 11am. However, since we were already at the hospital, we told her we would just wait for her in the waiting room. As we were getting settled into the waiting room, our birth mom's partner came around the corner. She said good morning, and almost immediately started crying and talking about the adoption. She invited us to come back to the room to see our birth mom and the baby. However, with emotions being high and Rosana on the way, we decided to just hang out in the lobby. A few minutes later, all three of them came around the corner to the waiting room. They started talking about the adoption and asked if we could come back to Kansas soon so they could see the baby. They were both crying, and it was super awkward because this whole conversation was happening in the waiting room. I knew this was not the arrangement we had all agreed to, but with everyone's emotions so high, I was unsure how to respond. Thankfully, Selah decided she needed a diaper change at that very moment! They went to take care of her, and I texted Rosana. I said I was gonna be transparent, so I'll admit - I was a little frustrated. The surprise call that morning, the delayed discharge, and the awkward questions in the waiting room had almost pushed me to my limit. I went to the bathroom and was tempted to just stay in there and cry, but knew I needed to try and refocus. He reminded me of His faithfulness - He reminded me of my desire to have the opportunity to share Christ with our birth mom - He reminded me that I am adopted by Him. When I came out of the bathroom, Rosana was there and it was time for discharge. It was a little chaotic with me, Jarred, mom, Rosana, Selah, our birth mom, her partner, her partners two small children, and a nurse in the room. The nurse asked if we had clothes for Selah, and told us to quickly go ahead and put them on her. With everyone watching, I picked up my baby girl for the first time, and with unsure shaking hands I put her little "going home" outfit on. Once she was dressed, the nurse swooped her up, pricked her heel and took some blood samples, gave us a couple of bottles, diapers, and a packet of info about caring for a newborn, and told us we were ready to go. They didn't ask about our car seat, they didn't ask if this was our first baby, they just gave her to us and said good luck! Meanwhile, our birth mom's partner's two children (maybe around 6 and 9 years old) started realizing that the baby wasn't going home with them. They started asking questions like, "Why is she holding the baby?" "Are they taking the baby?" Their mom quieted them quickly, but my heart felt like it would explode! I felt like I was doing something wrong. Rosana told us we would all walk out of the hospital together, so we gathered our things and headed to the elevator. The ride down was full of sniffles and more questions from the kids, then we quietly walked to the parking garage. Rosana initiated the hugs, and then everyone said goodbye. Mom, Jarred, Selah, and I found a bench at the parking garage elevator and sat down. I was still shaking and frazzled. This is actually one of my favorite pictures from Kansas because it shows the real emotions.
It took us a few minutes to figure out how to get Selah in her car seat for the first time, but we managed to get her in the car and get her home. We were so glad Jarred's mom was able to fly in for a few days to meet Selah and she arrived at the house not long after we did. We all sat and just starred at her for that first day. We came to the realization that we had no clue what we were doing with a newborn and figured out that working in shifts taking advantage of our mom's being there was wise. Then next several days were busy - We had checkup with a pediatrician, an appointment with our agency's attorney, a visit to the courthouse for our hearing, a visit to the adoption agency, and a wonderful home cooked meal with our friends Blaine, Amanda, and their family. (We were so anxious to bring Selah home to meet the rest of the family, but had to wait on ICPC paperwork before we could leave head home. ICPC is paperwork that needed to be approved by the states of Kansas and Georgia before we could leave the state with Selah.) Time went by so fast! Before we knew it, we'd been there for a week.
Selah was one week old the day we had our "Farewell Meeting" at the adoption agency. All of the agency ladies, our birth mom, her partner, her partner's two kids, mom, Jarred, Selah, and I all met in the "living room" at the agency for one last visit. It was an emotional visit with lots of pictures. Jarred and I gave a our birth mom a card and a necklace with several charms symbolizing our adoption. I have a matching necklace, and we have one for Selah too. When she's older we'll give it to her, and hopefully she'll enjoy knowing the three of us have them. There were still some awkward moments during the meeting when we were asked to return to Kansas soon for a visit, but afterwards Rosana made sure everyone understood the terms of our contract and only communicating through the agency. God did give us the opportunity to share the gospel with our birth mom, and we are praying for that seed and the adoption to draw her to Christ.
During the meeting at the agency, we received the call from the attorney telling us our ICPC paperwork was done, and we were ready to go home! We stayed for a while longer and talked with Rosana, and she suggested we go ahead and leave. So that's what we did - we left the agency, went to the house, threw everything that would fit in the car (with lots of help from Blaine and Amanda), and made it to Oklahoma by midnight! Traveling with a newborn was... interesting, so we broke the trip up into two more days. We were greeted with a grand homecoming when we turned into our driveway. Family was anxiously awaiting with cameras, balloons, banners, streamers, tears, hugs, and lots of excitement!! Even our neighbors came out to cheer and clap when we got home. I don't even know the words to describe it... it was incredible.
Selah is now almost 3 months old - she's healthy, happy, and oh so beautiful! Our lives have been forever changed for good. She is a precious gift from God, and we are so very grateful to the Lord for answering our prayers for this little girl. He is so faithful and good - we are blessed. To everyone who played a part in our adoption journey - I cannot begin to express how thankful we are for you. God used so many people to answer our prayer, and that makes it that much more amazing! I can't wait to write more about how God uses this little girl :-) TO GOD BE THE GLORY!!!
